The Difference Between Grieving and Mourning

Grieving and Mourning – What’s the Difference? 

Difference between Grief and Mourning. After Dale died, I was grieving. I went through most of the “stages” of grief, and I did all the grief work needed to get through the pain and get back to a normal life – but without Dale. The getting back to life is what a call finding a “new normal”.

First your accommodate your mind and your heart to understanding that your spouse has died, and then you assimilate your life to reflect that now you’re living it without your life partner….and the changes you’ll be making in your day-to-day world.



Grief 

If you go back and re-read the last sentence, First your accommodate your head and your heart to understanding that your spouse has died, and then you assimilate your life to reflect that now you’re living it without your life partner; you’ll see that the accommodating part is the grief and the assimilating part is the mourning. Grief is the emotional reaction to your loss.

It’s those 5 Stages of Grief you read about – Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. In the beginning you don’t believe your spouse is gone – that’s Denial. Then Anger gets the better of you. You’re either angry at your spouse for dying, God for taking your spouse away from you, or even yourself for not doing something. Bargaining comes along and you find yourself say, “I’d do anything to have him back again”, Depression rears it’s ugly head and leaves you in the depths of despair, and finally, acceptance comes along and we realize that you can’t bring that person back and that you can still have a future…so let’s get on with the business of living.  Grief doesn’t stand alone, though. It’s sister, mourning, is in there amongst all the feelings. Mourning is the getting on with the business of living.

Mourning is the day-to-day runnings of your life. Your spouse used to take out the trash – now you have to do it. Your spouse did all the cooking – now you have to do it. You went to the movies together – now you go alone, if at all. As a couple you took vacations – now, like going to the movies, you go alone or you forego the vacation altogether. Mourning is the time during which you learn to live as a single person again. Not easy, I know.

Dale and I were married for only 12 years, but I felt we lived a lifetime together. I can only imagine what a widow or widower might feel after losing a spouse of 25 to 50 years. Years aside, starting out on life alone will take time and work. It’s a journey that may take months or even years. We’re all different, but on the other hand, we’re all the same. We all have needs and desires. We all need companionship, support, and love.

Suggested Things to Do and Not to Do

Once you’ve come to the reality that your spouse had died, there are things that will help you through the process of mourning and finding your “new normal”

• Allow yourself to feel the pain. With love comes pain. It’s okay to feel the heartache – it shows your love and to tell you the truth, it will relieve the stress. 
• Keep memories of your spouse. So often we go through closets and give things away or even throw them away. Yes, you need to do this, however, you most definitely should hang onto some things that will keep him/her close to you. 
• Do NOT go through grief or mourning alone. So many people are afraid to talk about their loss with others. If you don’t feel that you can go to family or a friend, find a grief coach, like me, with whom you can freely and safely open up. I do suggest, however, that if your grief is unconsolable and out of control, please see a counselor or therapist. 
• Telling your grief story over and over again is one of the best ways to release the pain and it helps you to move forward with the business of living.  
• If you know me personally, you know that I work with widows and widowers. My main course of action is having my clients keep a journal. I can’t stress enough how important it is to get your feelings down on paper or on a blog. A lot of my journaling was writing “Dear Dale” letters. It was a way of communicating with him and telling him how I felt and what I was up to. Allowing yourself to write down the words that reflect your pain and heartache is essential to your growth and healing. Read more about the benefits of journaling your grief story. 
• It’s okay to cry. Do not hold it back. Crying is not a sign of weakness – it’s a sign of strength. It’s a sign of love – a very basic human need. So go ahead – cry yourself dry! 
• Listen to your heart – not to those who are giving you well-meaning advice. Heck, don’t even listen to me if you think I’m wrong or if my advice doesn’t suit your needs. Do what you think is right for you. No two people grief and mourn the same way. 
• Don’t beat yourself up if you don’t think the process is going fast enough or if you feel lost. We all feel lost at one time or another. Take a step back and breathe. How does that song go — “Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, start all over again". Hmmm -was that Perry Como?
• Something I hesitated to visit the cemetery. I couldn’t bare to see his grave and know that he was so close – yet untouchable. Once I went, however, it gave me a sense of calm. I felt at peace when I was there. I’d bring breakfast, coffee, a blanket and we’d chat. Before moving ONLY if you can from CA to AZ, my last visit to the cemetery was a difficult one. I brought a ca n of Bud Light and we shared it. I’d take a sip and then pour a little in the grass around his headstone. Leaving the cemetery that day was so heartbreaking, but I knew that I was about embark on a new journey in my life. 
• Once you begin your new journey as a single person, I would suggest, (But ONLY if you think you can) start making plans and setting goals. It really helps you stay on track and it gives you something to look forward to. Get out of the house! Go out with friends, dancing, again, movies, dinner, day trips, museums, ride a bike, go swimming – meet other people. Please try no to become a hermit. Life is too short to sit around and turn into a couch potato. But, only if you think you can... I can't stress that enough. If you find that you can't go out yet, please honor your feelings.
• I didn’t know your spouse, but if he/she loved you as much as you love him/her then they would want you to be happy. Do it – be happy! Please!! Allow yourself to do something fun. I remember getting tickets for “Dancing with the Stars” less than a month after Dale passed away. Boy, was I excited – it was my favorite show! About two years prior I had signed up for tickets – then one day I got an email from them letting me know that four were available. At first I hesitated. I couldn’t go and have fun just one month after Dale’s death. What kind of widow am I? Finally, I talked myself into going. I invited 3 neighbors and then went to buy some new clothes to wear to the show. Well, I broke down in the store. Guilt was overtaking me. I felt like a horrible person. But, ya know, I ended up going because I knew that Dale would have been okay with it. He knew how I felt about DWTS.  I was still here amongst the living. And after all the stress of his passing, I really needed some joy in my life. 

What other things can you suggest to others who are grieving and mourning? What has worked for you? Please take some time and write down your thoughts in the comment box below.

Warmly, Eydie 🙂